Divorcing a Narcissistic Husband
Financial, Legal & Emotional Steps
From One Who Has Walked Your Path
If you understand your husband is a Narcissist, and can’t live within your marriage any further, please understand one point: Your husband or partner is not evil, they are purely damaged, broken empty human beings, driven by fear.
Now you are divorcing a narcissist, their only concern will be them. So you have to understand this will be a battle, and to think otherwise you are dreaming. Your pathway forward will not be a walk down the yellow-brick-road, as your husband will deploy into survival ‘fight mode.’ I’m not labelling your husband a ‘bad’ person, it is simply part of their disorder. Your divorce is only considered his divorce in his eyes and he is, as you know, driven by fear, particularly when money is at stake.
My wish for you while reading this is that you don’t think I am a paranoid, negative woman, as that is the opposite to who I am. Who I am is a woman who has walked the path you are today, or might be tomorrow. When your foundations have cracked open, as wide a crack as the San Andreas Fault, I know how fearful this place can be. My wish is that you navigate through your divorce with as much wisdom as I can send your way, which is why I wrote this today.
If you are married to and feel divorce is the only way forward, I have 3 words for you
PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE.
If you are in a situation and you feel some guidance, download here my FREE 5 Day Recovery From A Narcissistic Relationship, to help you begin your healing process.
Narcissists have one goal and only one goal and that is to look after themselves. Whatever lies, deceits, and the many lives they destroy, it’s their life, their existence only that matters. The fall-out around them, to their families and children and you, has absolutely no emotional impact on their lives.
Whatever is going on within your marriage, for the sake of your children, and your future, ensure you remain calm. This is not a time to react, to be hasty, to make irrational decisions. This is the time for planning. Planning is key during divorce, while there are so many changes taking place. When your life is in a state of stress, you can make irrational decisions. This is where I assist as your Divorce Coach, to ensure you remain as calm and focused as possible on what matters, and that is your tomorrow. Guiding you towards your most positive future possible.
Create an ARMAGEDDON FUND
If you are feeling unhappy or insecure in your marriage, make sure you have an ARMAGEDDON FUND if you don’t have your own income source. Yes, you might think I’m overzealous or cynical, whatever you want to name it, but take it from one that was robbed by my husband, DON’T do as I did, do as I SAY. Have a fund that only you know about, that can be an emergency fund, so you are not left dependent on another human being.
Find copies of ALL Assets you and your Husband Own
You may not be aware of all your assets. Normally Narcissist control the finances, so if this is you, ensure you do your homework before filing for separation/divorce. You must understand what assets you and your husband have. It is sensible to find this paperwork, as your husband may have assets in company names that in the future may be extremely difficult to trace, without the expense of a forensic accounts. Take copies of all financial paperwork, as to be forewarned is better than regretting it in hindsight, when you have school fees to be paid.
Photocopy all Important Papers & Leave with Family
- Mortgage Papers.
- Lines of Credit.
- All Bank Accounts, whether they are in joint names or not.
- Superannuation Accounts.
- Recent pay stubs if employed.
- Tax Returns – past 3 years minimum.
- Insurance Papers.
- Vehicle registrations papers.
- Airline frequent flyer numbers.
- Birth Certificates, Marriage Certificate.
Your Divorce will not be easy. Narcissists charm your friends, family, colleague’s lawyers, judges, anybody they need to, anybody that has an advantage for them. They are brilliant at having everybody love them, thinking they are well, just like you and I. Yet, only you know the truth as to the depths of evil they are capable of. Your ex will bully you in every way possible, so you must be prepared for this, and remain calm and not hastily respond or react to whatever he is doing to provoke you. Ensure you forward all correspondence to your lawyer, as this is why you have employed him.
Your divorce more than likely will become a battle with your ex, as the only outcome for him is to WIN at all costs. This is why you must hire the BEST and I mean the BEST you possibly can to have in your corner.
Hire a Great Lawyer Who Understands Narcissist’s
If you have to educate your lawyer on what a Narcissist is, they are not the lawyer for you. This is paramount for your future, as you and I both understand how cunning and charming the Narcissist is. Not the superficial charming, kind man you met at first. The devious, cunning true him, your divorce lawyer must understand who he is. When your divorce gets into tough negotiations, which we both know it will, with everything he has your ex will attempt to paint you in the blackest light possible. This is when you need the support of your lawyer implicitly, as your ex will most probably lie to attempt to persuade anybody that matters. From the lawyer, the courts, anybody to cause as much harm to you as he humanly can. Your ex’s entire intent will be to destroy you.
Change Your WILL
The most overlooked necessity in every separation that is vitally important for your children, is changing your Will. I cannot stress the importance of changing this document the MINUTE you have separated.
Change all PASSWORDS
- Internet Banking.
All passwords to all electronic and banking facilities need to be urgently changed.
It seems a simple act, yet if you don’t change your passwords to email and i-cloud, your emails can and will continue to be read by your ex.
Physically & Mentally
Your daily goal must be to remain calm and emotionally present. Your kids will feel more at ease with the changes that are occurring within their lives.
Invest in YOU – Hire – Divorce Coach, Therapist
As a mother and soon to be ex-wife, your most important instruction is exactly as you are informed on a plane.
‘Look after you, place the oxygen mask firstly on you before you administer to your children.’
This message is a metaphor you must abide by during this extremely stressful time. To tell you it will be a walk in the park, is simply delusional. In the US, women during divorce don’t blink when hiring an attorney, therapist and a life coach, as they understand this is what is required to survive this stressful time. Australian women should take note from our US sisters, and understand its sound financial sense to invest in ourselves, so we don’t waste a minute of our wonderful lives.
You may or may not realise, the emotional abuse you endured during your marriage is firstly not what most come up against during their marriage and, most importantly, the effect on your mental health that this constant, relentless barrage has taken. Don’t compare your divorce to your friends, whose husbands happily share the parenting of their children. They are fortunate they didn’t marry narcissists.
Don’t think you are crazy, as I did by the end of my marriage. It is essential to find help from the right therapist or divorce coach, the one who understands exactly what you have been and may be still experiencing. It may not be the first person you employ, so don’t settle for anybody if you don’t feel you are achieving results. My big mistake was hiring a therapist that didn’t help at all, besides listening to me cry for an hour each week for $300, they did nothing. So please don’t waste your life and time as I did, employ the right help.
Yoga & Exercise.
I was the world’s biggest yoga sceptic, until I hit a point in my life where I knew it was essential. I am not lithe, nor supple, yet the benefits of yoga have truly saved me at times of crisis. If you are as sceptical as I was, please just attend one class, the gentlest class you can find, and I promise you the benefits, to your mind and body will be felt immediately.
An exercise regime will be your saviour. To relieve your stress and frustration in a healthy way. Exercise of any sort will help you to remain calm, with the added benefit of creating endorphins which make you feel happier and help you sleep. If you detest exercise, walking outside into the fresh air is an improvement on staying inside.
3. Socialise –Refrain from being with Toxic Friends
Ensure during this time when you are fragile, to stay away from toxic friends. You know the ones that are negative on most things? Yet, when they start to question your divorce, or any decisions you are making negatively, this is when you know they don’t have your best interest at heart. These are the type of friends you need to keep away from.
During divorce you need your friends and family who will love and support you and be there through the difficult times. You need kindness and love, not criticism. Make a mental note on which of your friends and family fill up your energy tank, not deplete it. When you know the difference, socialise only with the kind ones.
MY WISH FOR YOU
My wish for you today is you don’t think I am a paranoid, negative woman, as that is the opposite to who I am. Who I am is a woman who has walked the path you are experiencing, or will experience one day. I have been in your shoes, and so have many of my beautiful, loving clients. My wish is you navigate through your divorce with as much wisdom as I can send your way, to ensure your pathway towards your future is as pain-free as is humanly possible.
If you feel you need some support during this stressful time, please drop me a note at any time. Lastly, I will be releasing my 6 Module Program – ‘Powerful Lessons to Heal, Love & Thrive following a Narcissistic Relationship’ in September, to help as many women as I possibly can. Sign up to my FREE 5 Day Recovery From A Narcissistic Relationship gift so you’re first to know when the program is launched.
Have a beautiful day.